The Three Worst Things About Being an Erotica Writer

As cool as my job is, there are still days when I think about going back to something normal. Then I realize that there are men out there who wrestle alligators for less money than they would make doing lawn maintenance, and I realize that of course, there’s no such thing as normal at all.

So as it turns out, I just want something different, not something normal. No matter how good a job is, there are always going to be those things that make you really wish that you were working in a library, a fast food place, or in Michael Rhein’s harem.*

Anyway, the three worst things about being an erotica writer.

If You Say Vulva Enough, It Loses All Meaning
Vulva and labia are the two words that I have issues with, over and over again. I use cunt, and I use that word a lot, but there’s a limit to how often I can do that. Soon, nothing has any meaning any more, and I look down and realize that I’ve just typed the words “sex lips.” This may be part of the reason that I’ve been writing m/m for a while now.

Oh My God, Someone’s Reading This?
I was so happy when a friend wanted to produce an audio version of one of my stories. He did it, he did a great job with it, and as witnesses will tell, I rolled off the bed moaning like a gutted dear when he got through the first paragraph. I repeat, he did a great job, I just suddenly realized that there were people reading my work. I’d like to say that I’ve gotten over this one, but I haven’t. However, it did prepare me for the singular experience of having one of my best friends’ mother read my lesbian story. I think the consensus was that it needed more men.

My Pornography Folder, Let Me Show It To You
I have a pornography folder on my desktop, and it’s all things for work. There are completed short stories for various publishers, half-finished stories that I’m going to get back to “one of these days” and I think one properly started novella that I’ve not touched in a dog’s age. If you actually want to see anything even vaguely naughty that wasn’t created by me, you have to go into my images folder, where pretty half-naked people are jumbled in with my icons, anime fanart and a picture of a one-eyed kitten. I really need to clean that folder some day.

So those are the worst things about my jobs. I’m not going to lie, it’s a pretty good job.

I still wouldn’t say no to being Michael Rhein’s harem girl.
*The lead singer of In Extremo.**

** Don’t piss on my dream.

Coming Soon:
Love and Sex in Times of Revolution
Why “Happily For Now” Endings Make Me Hot
My Recipe for Mushroom Fried Rice


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